Why You Need To Protect ALL Your Electronic Devices

Would you buy your child or husband a Play Boy magazine for Christmas or their birthday?  No? I thought so.  If however you bought someone an eReader, tablet, phone, video game system, or computer with access to the internet and no safe guards that's exactly what you did.  It's just like giving your loved one a pornographic magazine and asking them not to look at it.  Most kids, and many adults won't be able to resist.

But I trust my family!  Of course you do, and my husband's parents trusted him when he was a teenager too. Unfortunately my husband was a teenage boy who had already been exposed to pornography and now had open access to it.

They told their son, "don't look at pictures like that."

And he went to the websites anyway.

They told their son, "those pictures are vile."

But he continued to view the images, and videos unchecked.

Only 3% of 18 year old men have reported never looking at internet porn.  We have a problem people.  There are plenty of parents in that 97% of boys who looked at pornography that were raising their sons in Christian homes, that "trusted" their child.  Now with other devices that easily connect to the internet, pornography can more easily be accessed.

My husband was on the surface a great kid.  He seldom talked back to his parents, he did pretty well in school, and he had "good friends."  He never went out drinking, smoking, or doing drugs.  He could have counted on one hand how many times he missed his curfew all through high school.  His parents trusted him, when they shouldn't have.

NO PARENT SHOULD TRUST A CHILD WITH OPEN INTERNET ACCESS.  THE TEMPTATION IS TOO STRONG.

2 things would have prevented my husband's pornography addiction in it's tracks.

1) Putting the Computer in a public place
2) Protecting the Computer with a password

So what about husband's and wives?  We're adults right?  We should trust our spouse.  Not so much, considering only 14% of young men say they didn't visit a pornographic website within the past year.  That means 86% of men did!!! I do not want my husband or any of your husbands to be in that statistic.  And let's not fool ourselves women are tempted by pornography too.

Any device that can connect to the internet needs password protection and parental controls.  Good ones too, not ones that can be easily disabled.  Depending on your device this might mean you need to pay for good parental controls.  It's worth it to keep your family safe.  I plan to write more about protection software in the future, but whatever type of software you choose to use be sure to search for ways to over ride it on the internet first, because your child certainly will and you don't want a moment of stress or weakness to lead to images that can never be erased.

What happens if you bought a device that truly can't be protected?  At least have a rule where it cannot be used behind closed doors, and your child/husband won't have access to it when no one is home.  Extreme?  Some people might say so, but the cost of viewing those images is simply too high.

What I Wish I Would Have Done Differently

As soon as I had proof that my husband had been looking at pornography I immediately called him and told him to take the rest of the day off of work.  I definitely wasn't winning any submissive wife awards that day, so the question was what would be the worse, the sin of worrying all day and stewing in anger, or ordering my husband home?  I chose the later, and believe me I ordered him home.

I'm not proud of all the things I said and I'm not proud of how long I held on to the pain that I would bring up in subsequent arguments for years.  I certainly can't claim that I'm free of sexual sin, and yet I lorded my husband's sin over his head.  There would be a lot of things I'd change if I had a do-over, but there is one thing for sure that I would do differently.

After everything came out, our marriage immediately started healing even if I couldn't tell it at the time.  I was still in intense turmoil, BUT I was able to turn to God in prayer.  I wrote nearly all of my prayers down, because otherwise my thoughts were so black I couldn't concentrate in silence to pray otherwise.  I literally would write dozens of pages in my prayer journal a week pouring out my hearts and petitions to God.  I truly believe God miraculously began healing years of my husband's addiction because of this intense intercession.

Even though I was praying, a lot, I wasn't turning to God's word enough.  I read a lot about sexual sin by Christian authors and bloggers and the books helped immensely but I almost never picked up my Bible.  It was too hard, and thinking back I wish I would have pushed through the difficultly.

Friend, if you've been in the same shoes I wore or are wearing them now, all the blog posts, articles, and books in the world won't bring the same healing that fervent prayer and studying of the Word will.  I know how hard it is to do these things early on, but do them.  Turning to the Word and the throne of God are the most beneficial and powerful things you can do.

If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope.  Christ can restore anything.  I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.

Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction.  YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY.  Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it.  Sharing this post might just save a marriage.

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What Happened After I Discovered My Husband's Pornography Use

Before my husband and I got married I asked him if he'd ever watched pornography, the answer was yes.  I wasn't at all shocked by this.  Every young man I knew admitted to watching pornography once or twice, even the ones in church.  As we were dating, I asked him if he still struggled with it, he told me he hadn't visited any of those sites since we were dating, I believed him I had no reason not to.  After we got married I had asked him a few times, nonchalantly if he had looked at pornography since being married, his answer was always no, I wanted to believe him, so I did.

From the beginning my husband had never been honest with anyone about looking at pornography.  Sure he'd admit that he'd seen it, but never the depth of his struggle.  When he was saved, and began going to church the struggle with lust was still there but now it was covered with even deeper shame and guilt.  He had "accountability groups" that helped some, mostly because everyone in the group installed software on their computers, but this didn't solve the problem.  There was still a deeper cancer to be dealt with.

He had become used to over a decade of lies, deceit, and shame.  After the initial discovery it took a full two weeks for most of the truth to fully come out, and from there more things were slowly revealed as the habit of dishonesty faded from our marriage.

It wasn't long into our marriage when I discovered his pornography problem had never gone away.  When I first confronted my husband with the "evidence" he admitted to looking at pornography a few times, since we got married.  As the truth was drawn out over the next week, he fully confessed there had been two occasions in our marriage he was looking at pornography almost daily for a few months time.  After the first time he "stumbled" he installed accountability software on our computer. He never told at the time me that he had been looking at porn only that he thought we should have accountability software.  The second time he started looking at porn regularly in our marriage, he overrode the software.  This was also the time when he got caught.

I am so glad for God's mercy!  My husband was exposed to pornography very early and had a long struggle with it, but at least it was caught early in our marriage. For the first time in his life the truth came out.  I realize there are women out there whose marriages are affected by porn for a much longer time than mine was, and my heart truly breaks for this.  But either way GOD CAN BRING VICTORY!

Things started making sense in my mind.  Ever since we had gotten married my husband had a deep struggle with lust and masturbation, even when he wasn't looking at pornography.  I understood now why I couldn't pray with my husband, why it felt like our prayers were hitting the ceiling.  It's because they were.

Many tears were shed on both of our parts the first few weeks and months.  But my husband was willing to do anything to regain my trust again, that helped a lot.

After discovering the truth my emotions took a tail-spin, I was overwhelmed and depressed. For the first time in my husband's life though HE HAD FREEDOM. He finally had the relationship with Christ he had always wanted because his sin had been exposed and dealt with.  He was drawing closer to God every day. As for me I had to FORCE myself to pray and FORCE myself to read scripture.

Bitterness began to take root in my heart, and I had a lot of things to work through all while worrying that my husband would fall back into old sins.  Those first few weeks and months weren't easy but Christ carried me, and my husband though he was wise enough not to brag about it at the time, was praying diligently for me the whole time.

In upcoming posts I'll continue to share what emotions I was faced with and specific steps we took as a couple to restore our marriage.

Isaiah 41:13

"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."

If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope.  Christ can restore anything.  I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.

Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction.  YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY.  Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it.  Sharing this post might just save a marriage.

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Healing After Porn

Before I continue with my story, of how everything unfolded after I discovered my husband's pornography addiction, I wanted to take a moment and tell you the end of our story (or at least where things stand now).  I realize this isn't necessarily the world's best writing technique.  I mean, why would you come back for the rest of the story when I go off and spoil the ending for you? But I do hope you'll join me for the entire story as it unfolds and even feel comfortable sharing my story on various social networks because it might just save someone's marriage.

So why am I telling you the ending of the story?  Because I want you to have hope.  If you're a woman who just discovered you're husband's been looking at porn, or if you are personally struggling, I want you to know three things:

1) There Can Be Victory
2) There Can Be Forgiveness
3) There Is Hope

I described the pornography in our marriage as an unseen cancer.  There was always something wrong, but it was the discovery that brought the healing, for my husband, for me, and for our marriage.  It was the discovery of one sin, that actual led to radical changes in both of our lives.

It's taken us three years to get to where we are now.  Maybe healing would have come quicker had we gone to a counselor, but that's a blog post in itself.    I don't pretend to be an expert on this "process" but I do know Christ can heal anything.

There has been plenty of joy in the past three years, and honestly I am honored to be used of God.  I truly feel my husband's struggle with pornography was so deep he never would have been able to pull himself out if God hadn't intervened and mercifully let me see evidence of his problem.  He had accountability partners in the past, but it took my husband knowing his wife knew the whole ugly truth to rise up and become the man God intended him to be.

The changes God wrought in my husband, have been amazing.  His life is bearing fruit in ways it never did.  In the same way I knew my husband had a problem with pornography before I discovered it, I know he isn't looking at it now (that and our computers have safe guards out the yazoo, but that's another post entirely).

So as you read this story, please hold no malice in your heart for my husband.  He is an amazing man of God and I love him more than anything.  God set him free from an addiction that enslaved him for over a decade.  Nothing is impossible with God!

If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope.  Christ can restore anything.  I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.

Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction.  YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY.  Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it.  Sharing this post might just save a marriage.

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As You Seek Healing:


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Discovering My Husband's Secret

Three years ago this month I made the most horrifying discovery of my life.  It doesn't take much to recall the emotions of that day.  The dread that I felt in the pit of my stomach is still palpable.  The horror, fear, and disillusionment all encompassed me.  In a moment my vision of a perfect marriage crumbled before my eyes. It was as if a knife had been driven in my heart. At no point in my life had I ever been so devastated.

Devastated is an incredibly powerful word.  It paints the picture of a complete and desolate land.  A land that used to hold vibrant colors and joy, now completely war torn and laid to waste.  When I think about devastation I think about hurricane and flood images.  I think about refugees with no place to go.  Devastated is truly a powerful word, but that's exactly how I felt.

I felt devastated, shattered and destroyed the day I discovered proof of what my heart had long suspected.  My soul was literally left war torn and broken the day I discovered my husband had been looking at internet pornography.

I remember the moment as if it were yesterday.  I remember the vile video on the recent play list, and I remember in that moment how everything in my marriage seemed to change. But while it felt like my marriage had just become exponentially worse, in reality God used this moment in our marriage as a turning point.

Imagine having lung cancer and never knowing about it.  At first you simply get out of breath quicker, then you feel as if you have a cold you just can't get rid of.  Two small symptoms that could easily be ignored.  But the cancer continues to grow, and the symptoms get worse.  New symptoms show up, back aches, headaches, shooting pains as the cancer spreads to the nervous system and becomes more incurable.

Now imagine sitting in the doctors office and hearing the words, " You have lung cancer, but we caught it very early and if we begin aggressive treatment your prognosis is very, very good."  You'd be devastated with the news that you have a cancer in your body.  The thought of going through treatment, and losing your health, hair, and freedom would be crushing.  

The diagnosis is crushing but which situation would you rather? Ignorant bliss or a diagnosis? There's cancer either way. But there is only hope of healing with the crushing blow of the diagnosis.

Three years ago this month, I made the most horrifying discovery of my life but something else happened that day as well.  My marriage already had cancer even if I didn't realize it, discovering the pornography was DEVASTATING, but it was also the biggest blessing of my life.  Healing and restoration never would have happened otherwise.

If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope.  Christ can restore anything.  I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.

Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction.  YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY.  Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it.  Sharing this post might just save a marriage.

Never Miss A Post Of Hope
As You Seek Healing:


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