From the beginning my husband had never been honest with anyone about looking at pornography. Sure he'd admit that he'd seen it, but never the depth of his struggle. When he was saved, and began going to church the struggle with lust was still there but now it was covered with even deeper shame and guilt. He had "accountability groups" that helped some, mostly because everyone in the group installed software on their computers, but this didn't solve the problem. There was still a deeper cancer to be dealt with.
He had become used to over a decade of lies, deceit, and shame. After the initial discovery it took a full two weeks for most of the truth to fully come out, and from there more things were slowly revealed as the habit of dishonesty faded from our marriage.
It wasn't long into our marriage when I discovered his pornography problem had never gone away. When I first confronted my husband with the "evidence" he admitted to looking at pornography a few times, since we got married. As the truth was drawn out over the next week, he fully confessed there had been two occasions in our marriage he was looking at pornography almost daily for a few months time. After the first time he "stumbled" he installed accountability software on our computer. He never told at the time me that he had been looking at porn only that he thought we should have accountability software. The second time he started looking at porn regularly in our marriage, he overrode the software. This was also the time when he got caught.
I am so glad for God's mercy! My husband was exposed to pornography very early and had a long struggle with it, but at least it was caught early in our marriage. For the first time in his life the truth came out. I realize there are women out there whose marriages are affected by porn for a much longer time than mine was, and my heart truly breaks for this. But either way GOD CAN BRING VICTORY!
Things started making sense in my mind. Ever since we had gotten married my husband had a deep struggle with lust and masturbation, even when he wasn't looking at pornography. I understood now why I couldn't pray with my husband, why it felt like our prayers were hitting the ceiling. It's because they were.
Many tears were shed on both of our parts the first few weeks and months. But my husband was willing to do anything to regain my trust again, that helped a lot.
After discovering the truth my emotions took a tail-spin, I was overwhelmed and depressed. For the first time in my husband's life though HE HAD FREEDOM. He finally had the relationship with Christ he had always wanted because his sin had been exposed and dealt with. He was drawing closer to God every day. As for me I had to FORCE myself to pray and FORCE myself to read scripture.
Bitterness began to take root in my heart, and I had a lot of things to work through all while worrying that my husband would fall back into old sins. Those first few weeks and months weren't easy but Christ carried me, and my husband though he was wise enough not to brag about it at the time, was praying diligently for me the whole time.
In upcoming posts I'll continue to share what emotions I was faced with and specific steps we took as a couple to restore our marriage.
"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."
If you've discovered your spouse or child has been looking at or is addicted to internet pornography there is hope. Christ can restore anything. I hope my family's story will encourage you as you begin a journey of healing.
Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction. YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY. Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it. Sharing this post might just save a marriage.
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