God has laid it on my heart to share my story, (you can read my first post here) but even though the wounds of betrayal have healed (by God's grace) writing about our story is like pulling off a band-aid. The wound is fine but the ripping of adhesive and skin stings. So I write in bits and pieces, as I'm able and as I have time. Pray for me as I share our journey that others may be blessed and find hope. This isn't a subject that's easy to write about.
I grieved for our marriage, I grieved for our children, and I grieved that my husband was not the man I thought he was. Although the discovery of pornography isn't a grief like divorce or the death of a loved one it's a grief nonetheless. Here's what mine looked like.
Denial
I had Absolute proof of my husband's porn addiction, so I certainly didn't bury my head in the sand about it. What I didn't understand was how deep my husband's addiction actually went. It took me a very long time to realize how long his addiction has lasted and what a huge role porn played in his life. It took time for the full truth to come out and even longer for me to accept the cost and the horror.
Anger
The anger I felt at my husband was palpable in our house. Every fight we got in for a very long time, always came back to his betrayal. He'd hurt my feelings about something small, and I'd erupt like a volcano because it would rekindle my anger for what he did.
Depression
For a year after I discovered my husband's addiction whenever I would see anyone the first question they would ask was, "Are you alright?" Everyone could tell that something was wrong, I always responded with, "I'm just very tired." Did I have clinical depression? Probably not, but the blackness I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced.
Acceptance
I can tell you the exact moment I reached this point. I realize it may not be this way for everyone when it comes to the "acceptance" part of grief, but I know exactly when it happened. In the middle of a particularly bad fight, when once again I threw my husband's sin in his face I stormed off downstairs. I thought, "If I could just do everything again, I'd do it differently and not be in this huge mess." God spoke to my heart, it was almost as if he said, "If the only way you could be with your husband was that you had do it over again the exact same way, would you?"
I realized in that moment, I would do it all over again. I'd go through the pain again, I'd go through the betrayal again. I'd go through every sleepless night again. Why? Quite simply, I love my husband. He is a good man, who is seeking hard after God. His life has changed.
My husband had accountability partners, and protective software in the past. It took his wife however, to demand that he change his life. It took his family to inspire him to be a better man and serve the Lord with all his heart. Other things hadn't worked, who am I to question how God chose to heal my husband. I'm so blessed to have been a part of it.
Yes I experienced pain like I never had before, but it was for a season. It was a time to cry, now is the time of rejoicing.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:...... A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;"
Internet pornography is a leading cause of divorce and the fastest growing addiction. YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFECTED BY PORNOGRAPHY. Take a moment to share this post, so someone who you might not even realize is suffering may be blessed by it. Sharing this post might just save a marriage.
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